Lovejoy Counselling Blog

Lovejoy Counselling

Accredited by the British Association of Counsellors & Psychotherapists (BACP)

Lovejoy Counselling

1 years ago

Relationships...often have different stages...The honeymoon may come first(!)... everything is great...limerence...Then eventually the honeymoon is over.....expectations perhaps aren't met so well and disappointment creeps in... This may trigger a "power struggle", to get even, to get what we want to make ourselves heard.....we act, we react, we get even or manipulate...Perhaps then we give up....and maybe go elsewhere for our needs to be met ...and maybe we look to friends, hobbies, children, family for support, diversion and connection instead....🤔... but we hang in there...in the doing life together... Finding the acceptance of reality in a relationship can be tricky... reaching the place of emotional independence from a partner (but still being close) can be a challenge. Accepting a partner's independence from us whilst supporting them in their interests and life is a space that can create fear in some...Understanding we are responsible for our own pain and comfort (self care) whilst offering support to our partners is a space in a mature relationship... Being emotionally dependent on our partners to fulfill us, is an impossible load to place on someone, and has every probability of breaking the relationship. What are your expectations.....#relationships #counselling #couples #therapy #neurodiversity #sexuality #gender #relationshipproblems #love #happiness #kindness #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #attachment #onlinetherapy ... See MoreSee Less

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Lovejoy Counselling

1 years ago

Whitelighting...What's the impact of being whitelit?Whitelighting is when it feels like someone doesn't really care about your problems but they are too polite to say so...🤔It's that place where you've just told someone about your problems...or shared some really important stuff, and the response feels like they've brushed over your problems and pain and made light of it, or they toss you a solution or a positive perspective and "move on". Perhaps they're doing it because your honesty and vulnerability makes them feel uncomfortable and they struggle to stay with difficulties, or they need to fix it (and you!)...rather than support you in it...Whatever the reason, whitelighting can feel invalidating and leave you feeling worse than you did before you shared your problems.Compassion (is not pity), empathy and listening are skills that we all need to strengthen our relationships. If you're whitelit by someone, practice giving compassion and empathy to yourself or find someone else to talk to.... Be aware of what's going on and don't feel the need to dismiss yourself as easily as perhaps others have...The people who use whitelighting may need to "fix people" and make them feel better.. This can come from a place of their own discomfort over people sharing deeper things and their desire to run from negative feelings...Changing the subject, brushing over someone's stuff or "being positive" and ignoring someone's emotions can do more harm than good. We might not even realise we're doing it. Perhaps if we tried to understand what the other person is feeling before a quick solution is found... and "walk a mile in their shoes"...we may find we're less judgemental and dismissive, and we build stronger and closer connections with others.#whitelit #whitelighting #relationships#belittling #depression #compassion #empathy #kindness #stress #anxiety #therapy #couplestherapy #onlinetherapy #counselling #couples #buxton #bakewell #highpeak #remotecounselling ... See MoreSee Less

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Lovejoy Counselling

1 years ago

Banter...connection or bullying...🤔Many people would see banter or teasing as humour... as a playful humourous way of connecting with others... raising a laugh and making life better.But banter can have a darker side...a side of hierarchy...passive anger and shaming... Banter can be used as a form of control, it can mask with a smile things designed to hurt. Is banter a "part of" a balanced, empathic relationship, or is the relationship purely banter or teasing... Does banter only go one way...🤔 Is there trust there... knowing how "far" to go...or is it "a bit much" sometimes...If banter goes "too far"... can you point that out? If you get the kick back of "lighten up" etc... is that truly your stuff?...or is someone else unable to take responsibility for their bullying...and insecure sense of self...🤔Self awareness and relationship awareness in banter is important if we don't want to be seen as bullying or cruel... Can our "victims"... be real with us and stand up to us?... if not why not...? Why do things go too far...what's the true motivation in using banter...? Is it humour, building connection and trust...or causing pain and a need for power play...#relationships #couplestherapy #traumatherapy #counselling #banter #teasing #connection #bullying #humour #aggression #anger #boundaries #mentalhealthawareness #wellbeing #onlinetherapy ... See MoreSee Less

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Lovejoy Counselling

1 years ago

Parasocial relationships can be tough. They are more common than we think...even in our own lives perhaps.... We might have a favourite YouTuber... Football team... Band or social group and we may know lots about them... Their family, skills, idiosyncrasies, and we may slide into the place of we're friends .... We know them right?.... But are we as know by them... Have they even heard of us...? What do they know about us?.... Our expectations of their knowledge and "care" of us may be a little unhelpful and bring us to a place of pain....Parasocial relationships aren't wrong....but perhaps we need to put them in their right place for our well being...🤔I wonder if these relationships can be seen in our day to day lives? Our employers...our work environment, the clubs we're part of... Perhaps the more introvert you are....the less people know about you... but you know lots about them... Sometimes all of us find ourselves in those places where we thought the relationship was one thing...and then begin to realise we're making all the effort to support and know someone, some organisation or some group, but actually we feel we're unseen and unknown by those we know and see so well! What's that like...? It can be a tough reality check...😔Illusions of relationship and intimacy can fool us all. We want to believe and belong. Relationship goes two ways if it's healthy and strong... Perhaps, if we saw the relationship for what it is... The reality of this, although it maybe painful, it can help us put boundaries in and check ourselves and care for ourselves too.... often while still feeling positive about the connection...It will keep us safe, while we seek connection and belonging. We can enjoy the relationship for what it is... and put it in its rightful place (whatever that be) for good mental health. #relationships #couples #parasocailrelationships #counselling #therapy #introvert #belonging #socailmedia #depression #sad #anger #stress #anxiety #buxton #bakewell #highpeak #connection #mentalhealthawareness ... See MoreSee Less

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Lovejoy Counselling

1 years ago

"Put your phone down!!!"Smart phones can sometimes feel like an extension of who we are... Who would we be without one? How would we live...🫣But as our dependency on our rectangle pals increases, being phubbed can be really tough... especially in intimate relationships or close friendships. Or perhaps our phones keep us safe... 🤔 we use them to prevent closeness...Phones can preoccupy someone's attention and we may feel like we're being ignored.... Or maybe we don't notice the erosion of relationship because we're phubbing too....!Psychological and emotional closeness with a partner or friend is important for any healthy relationship. Sometimes perhaps, our "best mate the smartphone" needs to be demoted to second place....😳so we can prioritise our human relationships. #phubbing#relationships#mentalhealthawareness #counselling #anger #stress #depression #anxiety #love #phone #intimacy #couplestherapy #closeness #attachment ... See MoreSee Less

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Lovejoy Counselling

1 years ago

Empathy....Such a little word and yet... Empathy is a key that unlocks deeper connections in relationships. When empathy is shown to us it makes us feel accepted, loved and understood. We all desire it. Do we all give it....or show it? Empathy is our greatest ally when in conflict in relationships, and empathy helps us to be non judgemental of others and support others even in tough times. Working on empathy deepens our relationships. Empathy is to share the feelings of someone else.... To understand their perspective and not judge them 🤔, to not sit in the space of "well you should do this" and "you shouldn't have done that", "I'm hurting here (so I don't care about your feelings ..🤔)"...But empathy is also knowing that you are a separate person from the other, and staying emotionally separate.... Tricky.... But empathy, especially in conflict, can transform a relationship... and transform a life from having difficulty with relationships to stronger and more authentic relationships with others.HoweverEmpathy has to go both ways. If one person is always empathetic and the other is not... relationships become open to manipulation, narcissism, abuse and control... #empathy #relationships #couplestherapy #onlinetherapy #counselling #couples #narcissism #abuse #controllingrelationships #mentalhealth #stress #anxiety #depression #anger #highpeak #buxton #manipulation ... See MoreSee Less

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Lovejoy Counselling

1 years ago

You're not listening!"Relationships can be difficult.... We may often find ourselves in a confusing or frustrating space with someone....Perhaps we just want to vent about something that's happened to us and want our friend/partner to listen to us, only to find we feel like we're being "fixed" or told what we should have done.... or we may even just need a bit of empathy or comfort....... but our partner or friend may be doing the "I told you so" thing, or imply we're exaggerating or overreacting.... they may think they're helping....but we may feel we aren't being heard...😕Or perhaps we find ourselves trying to mindread what our partner or friend is thinking.....and get it hopelessly wrong and end up very confused and bruised.... wanting only to help but somehow things get worse...Communication in any relationship is worth paying attention to.... Actively listening to someone; without interrupting them (however much we may want to) and putting our own agenda for the conversation down(!) can really help a relationship.Being a good listener...not just hearing the words and reciting them back(🤔)...but really listening... helps us understand a person, who they really are...as opposed to who we think they are... Understanding what the person is asking from us and if we don't know, asking them what they need from us... to listen, comfort, support....give solutions..... can really help to negate the confusion and soothe both parties in a conversation. We don't always mindread correctly....🤔Relationship awareness and self awareness is really important for a healthy, resilient and growth minded relationship. #couplescounselling #relationships #communication #listening #supportiverelationships #mentalhealth #healthyrelationships #onlinetherapy #therapy #counselling #buxton #highpeak #listening#anger #anxiety #stress #depression #selfawareness #growth ... See MoreSee Less

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Lovejoy Counselling

1 years ago

"It is as it should be..." 🤔Isn't it good when everything is as it should be...?! The tidy room, the happy relationship, the finances, the job, even good weather! What's it like when it's not "as it should be"? If the house is messy, the finances are in debt, the relationship hits problems, the job's a navigational nightmare of defensive people, boxes that won't be ticked and bosses who expect too much...That place of, it's not right, it feels wrong... The keys aren't in the right place... the person is upset with me, I've made a mistake at work, I'm in pain....How does it affect us when things don't "go our way"... when "it feels wrong", when our world isn't in order and "right"....Tolerating the messy places of life develops resilience and growth. Learning to hold the tension of things not being "right" and realising our world won't end if things aren't "as they should be" improves our confidence, self agency, autonomy and relationships. #OCD #obsessivecompulsivedisorder #mentalhealth #resilience #relationships #selfconfidence #selfawareness #selfdevelopment #anxiety #stress #depression #fear #asd #autisticspectrumdisorder #adhd #anger #buxton #relationshipcounselling #onlinetherapy #telephonecounselling #highpeak ... See MoreSee Less

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Lovejoy Counselling

1 years ago

I can't change anything so why bother trying....Have you ever felt like that? Perhaps it's the space of overwhelm and maybe you feel like no matter how hard you try, sacrifice, work...no matter what you do it still goes wrong...or gets worse... so your thinking and feeling cycles into...."everything is out of my ability to change anyway 🤷 so just give up trying".... Finance, relationships, jobs, food, alcohol, housework, mental health, physical health....Whatever it might be like when we feel like we can't control anything, we may find ourselves giving up.... we might spend too much money, eat/drink too much, let things slide, lose it with people.... then perhaps regret it 🤔.... Or we might go further, from giving up to self harm... we might become angry at ourselves...hurt ourselves, find ourselves using people, food, drink, debts...😞It might be that the next morning, we can actually pick ourselves up and try again. But then the next argument or the next debt collecting letter, the next problem we face..triggers the spiral again and down we go.... The narrative in our heads may be "you can't change anything so why bother..." but, can I ask, ...where did that come from(?).....who said that to you? Where did that voice come from and why do you believe it...?Sometimes, identifying these narratives can be helpful to us, we can become more aware of why we think the way we do, and challenge our thinking... Do we have to think like that...? Why do we believe that voice rather than another voice...? A voice that says "actually, you can do this, step by step, (maybe two steps forward and one back but) just keep going!!" There are more narratives to be heard, other voices in your life, new narratives to be spoken...😊Keep trying! #controllingbehaviour #OCD #anxiety #depression #stress #fear #anger #selfagency #mentalhealthawareness #relationships #connection #suicide #counselling #therapy #onlinetherapy #buxton #highpeak #couples #addiction #abuse #escape #selfharm #illness #pain ... See MoreSee Less

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